Twitter Suspends An Account -or- @WoodburyComSec: This Face Seats Three
Amidst all the SOPA, PIPA and now ACTA business, the Internet in outward solidarity against government censorship brought millions of users to the attention of its inevitable peril. Websites like Google, Wikipedia and Tumblr participated in a cyber black out, either blocking content or displaying info-graphics regarding information on contacting your local government officials. Twitter, a social tool used for hyper-local aggregation and celebrity stalking did not fall in with its social media comrades.
Since November 2011, @WoodburyComSec was created. Fake twitter accounts are wildly popular and usually offer a satirical look at generalities of a specific trend, but when the government wants to censor content, the developers must be vigilante. According to the rules of use, a twitter account may not impersonate others in a manner that does or is intended to mislead, confuse, or deceive others. @WoodburyComSec was surely guilty of all of the above.
Claiming to be a security guard who worked at the Woodbury Commons Premium Outlets, many probably believed they would find actual updates on traffic, and security related news. A Commons employee was the ideal follower, someone who would understand all the inside jokes and appreciate the biting sarcasm behind a mischievous grin that made up @WoodburyComSec’s tweets.
Controversy first struck when the twitterer summoned the attention of @PremiumOutlets, the official account of the outlets’ corporate offices through a tweet about getting out of work in time for a particular television show. A direct message from @PremiumOutlets asked, “Who is communicating?” @WoodburyComSec said nothing. The came @Devradave, an account so obviously made up for the sole purpose of finding out the true identity of this faux security guard. If you look at @Devradave’s profile, his sole tweet is asking where @WoodburyComSec worked that he was lucky to see all this action.
The rest of the story remains behind cyberspace walls for now. @WoodburyComSec was suspended from Twitter with 67 tweets and 71 followers.
Here’s a list of the 67 original tweets from day one:
Nov 6 2011: Security Alert: your mom.
Nov 6 2011: Security Advisory: Stolen segway last seen being ridden by a BM approx 4ft with long dreds.
Nov 7 2011: It’s 5:46. Do you know where your azn clientele is?
Nov 8 2011: Security Advisory: the twenty or so occupy woodbury commons protesters who gathered at the gazebo early this morning have all been shot.
Nov 9 2011: Secuirty Alert: two WW driving an 85 Malibu are offering free rides into Manhattan in exchange for looseys? IDK, this one was called in.
Nov 13 2011: Let us know which coworkers talk too often about their cats and we will tow their car. No charge.
Nov 13 2011: Security Advisory: Shoplifters described as two HFs all wearing Ugg boots. Ugh, and they have kids wearing Ugg boots too. All with pretty hair.
Nov 14 2011: Notice: Please have all full grown Commons cats brought in to the back of Wasabi Janes for their nightly skinning and kitchen prep.
Nov 17 2011: Security Advisory: Rave. Tonight. Gazebo. Kadner Trio. 11pm- 4am. Kidding about the Kadner Trio.
Nov 19 2011: Security Advisory: With eyes in a perpetual squint, the boys and me are patrolling on three hours of sleep. #boozetrolly
Nov 20 2011: Security Alert: A couple BMs just robbed Timberland.
Nov 20 2011: Complaining over the change in winter hours? It was us. We needed the hours. Also, none of us have families.
Nov 23 2011: Bet you’d love to know if the fire marshal was stopping by today.
Nov 24 2011: Follow us for all your #blackfriday al the #woodburycommons security updates and reports. Super Serious.
Nov 25 2011: Self-Advisory: Coming into work high was the worst idea.
Nov 25 2011: Security Advisory: Average #blackfriday ratio of customers with concealed weapons is 1:5
Nov 27 2011: Orthodox womens daughters #CanGetIt
Nov 30 2011: Security Alert: 4 BFs, one is heavyset wearing leopard print tights. The others are keeping their distance.
Nov 30 2011: Did you just talk back to me? What’s your license plate number? RT @justinDefreitas: @woodburycomsec I called that in!
Dec 3 2011: Security Advisory: Look out for haunted stores after that old graveyard is bulldozed for the new parking garage.
Dec 3 2011: Nonimportant Memo: Consider our socio-ecological locale, Im acutely curious as to why we don’t hear much news of local farms burning down.
Dec 6 2011: Security Alert: Three whistling WMs spotted in Purple: I think there’s a story here.
Dec 9 2011: Security Advisory: What goes around comes round, you stupid kid. Just wait till Mommy steps into the fitting. You’re dead meat, pal.
Dec 12 2011: Security Advisory: t.co/Q4Ph4ATZ
Dec 12 2011: Im just concerned because he’s facing west.
Dec 13 2011: Security Advisory: http://t.co/zkXdQhpr
Dec 14 2011: The day to day on the Commons beat isn’t glamorous, but today was different.
Dec 14 2011: She was a petite BM whose name I was too distracted to hear while my eyes sting from the cigarette smoke she blew into my face.
Dec 14 2011: She asked for my help. I told her I was no detective.. But I used to be. What could I say? Sweet Lady Justice was singing to me once again.
Dec 14 2011: We sat down at Desert Moon. I wanted to tell her they cooked stray cats, but she was flipping the bill.
Dec 14 2011: She asked if had any kids. “No” I lied. I told her my lunch break was almost up. What did she need from me? Why ask for my help?
Dec 14 2011: Then a saw the manilla folder she’d been clutching… I wish to God I had just walked away..
Dec 14 2011: I knew I wouldn’t jus tbe monitoring traffic tonight. No. Tonight I’d find myself in the dark underbelly of these Premium Outlets.
Dec 14 2011: Let me finish! It’s reasons like this you “don’t work here” anymore. RT @danranges: @woodburycomsec you realize a BM can’t be a she, right?
Dec 15 2011: Secutiry Alert: an AW with an SD just choked on a 2 ft HD in the FC like a total puss.
Dec 19 2011: 12yr old WM: I piss warnings. Pig!
Dec 22 2011: From now till the 24th, DM me to secure a parking spot. Unless you’re adopted.
Dec 23 2011: Men, this holiday season, please avoid making any, “yes dear” and “she’s the boss” jokes to the sales people. They’ll appreciate it.
Dec 24 2011: Security Alert: HW burn victim with dyed blonde hair and long blue fingernails has no Christmas Spirit.
Dec 26 2011: Security Advisory: Asian John Cusak is in out midst.
Dec 26 2011: High Alert! Asian John Cusak. Straight Outta Grifters
Dec 26 2011: Shopping #woodburycommons today? That sucks.
Dec 26 2011: @premiumoutlets owes me a case of Andre if I don’t get home to my HIMYM reruns tonight.
Dec 26th 2011: Security Development/ Really Happening: a rather large BW is screaming, “fuck your swag” to a petite BW in Blue Parking. Moving In.
Dec 27 2011: Security Alert: one BF with a rainbow headband, but it’s cool.
Dec 27 2011: No, woodbury commons security never rests! RT (DM) @premiumoutlets: did you make it home in time for your show?
Dec 11 2011: Celebrate NYE with me at the gazebo. We are calling it the Managers Meeting. No nametags. No Rules.
Jan 1 2012: Did you know? Shopping is cruel and inhumane. Stay home and play in the mud with your kids.
Jan 7 2012: Anybody’s Guess RT @ranges_ Every Saturday morning mad fire trucks rush into the commons over by Guess. What the fuck goes on down there?
Jan 7 2012: RT @Devradave: What store do you work at that your lucky enough to see all the action? @WoodburyComSec
Jan 8 2012: @devradave In a remote office staring at a zillion TV sets piled on top of each other. Every screen is different. Every screen is a story.
Jan 9 2012: Security Alert: two WM aprox 6ft have been spotted near Neiman Marcus concealing Tupperware of blood. I’d hurry over for the show.
Jan 15 2012: Security Advisory: stuck in weekend exit traffic? The service ramp on to the highway behind Sony is open just for you… for twenty bucks.
Jan 15 2012: Or an hj.
Jan 15 2012: Security Alert: Azn fucktard with the furry dolphin hood, my segway is not the place to leave your empty Jordans shoebox.
Jan 16th 2012: Security Advisory: We are currently in pursuit of a young bicycle gang. All WM approx early teens. Overheard mentioning dead bodies.
Jan 21st 2012: The men who plow the lots have this great game they call, “ice-olation kitten.”
January 21st 2012: Come Spring, Desert Moon chefs play, “shovel, scrape, serve.”
January 21st 2012: “@welpseeya: I heard wasabi janes is a cover for an opium ring.” There ain’t a security guard I know who doesn’t hit the dream stick.
January 21st 2012: I protect property, not lives.
January 21st 2012: Blanks get the job done, too.
January 24th 2012: Anyone notice a pregnant shoplifter last night?
